wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
