Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
