Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
and you said cock pushups were impossible
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
