Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You can't just leave with hair like that
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
