Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
