I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
