Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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