I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
