When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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