paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
