my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
