he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize