i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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