All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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