My sheets look like a crime scene.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
