Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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