If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i will never coherently bang her
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
