there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Ladies don't puke and tell
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize