Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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