My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I lost the right to judge tonight
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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