Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
