you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize