sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So apparently I’m into choking now
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