shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
