Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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