Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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