My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
