He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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