A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
