and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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