I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
