He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
