he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
