You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
