I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
