We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
