what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize