I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
