i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
