i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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