Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
