Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
