I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
