Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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