I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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