Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
