so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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