Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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