just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
