I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize