Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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