You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
