Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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