I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
