i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Randomize
