"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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