Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Houston, we have a blender
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize