im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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