She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
