i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
