A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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