Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
