Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
