the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
