he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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